A Sad "Anniversary"

To My Dearest, My Cuddle Bear:

I am SO very sad today because it has been one year since you left your body.  Honey, you KNOW how much I loved and STILL love you...I am still feeling the intense pain of our separation.  I hope you are in a much better place now--you certainly deserve it...I always said you were my angel; I hope you have forgiven me and that you guard and watch over me right now as I type this letter to you, my love.

If you are in the spirit world and can read this letter, you KNOW that an evil force invaded our life, intent on destroying our relationship, driving us apart and killing both of us; it succeeded with you and now it is trying to destroy me too, taking away everything that I enjoy about living and driving me to suicide.  I am trying to fight it off, but I am afraid that it might be a losing battle.

I just survived yet ANOTHER attempt to kill myself.  I wanted to be with you again SO MUCH...to talk to you again and make you understand and acknowledge what I was up against during our last two years together.  Maybe you already understand and were instrumental in preventing me from fully completing my suicide mission. 

Honey, PLEASE forgive me for my weakness; I had never before experienced such an overwhelming level and combination of fear, stress, hopelessness and worsening mental paralysis as I did during our last few months together.  It truly felt like a huge, evil tsunami crashing into me slowly, forcing me away from you...with each day came more stress, more fear and more paralysis...I truly wanted to die, but I chose life instead that day...away from you, my love, which I severely regret EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY--BUT I WAS FORCED INTO IT by this evil supernatural power, or curse, or WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WAS--IT WAS REAL.

Honey, in that last year you were repeatedly telling me that you would always be with me...maybe you were more aware of what was happening to us than you let on.  But you were displaying some of the things that were scaring me to death--almost literally.  I felt like I had lost your love, your support--leaving me with NO HUMAN SUPPORT AT ALL to help me with such an unreal crisis of a proportion and scale that I had never felt before.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH--but not the last two years together when my life felt like it had transformed into a horror movie that we were starring in.  I challenge ANY HUMAN BEING to go through what I went through those last two years and NOT break apart mentally.  I actually think that I was stronger than most...but not strong enough.

And, OF COURSE, the horror movie did not end with our separation...it continues with me to this very second.

Honey, on this day I am thinking of you, missing you.  Oh, how I wish I could turn a corner and see you standing there, waiting for me with one of your wonderful hugs...if there is an afterlife, I hope we can hug again.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS,
Your Honey Bunny